Like I mentioned in my comments on video games, these are only movies that came out this past year that I have seen.  So yes, there are probably good movies I haven’t seen yet (or unfortunately likely ever), but these are just my impressions of some noteworthy movies…

Iron Man 5-2-08:

I actually saw this movie on the opening day for $5.  It was a great deal, and since it was one of the first movies that I actually saw this summer, it was pretty awesome to break my habit of not going to the movies with.  I really enjoyed it, great integration of special effects, good plotline, humorous.  All around good movie.  I really liked the acting and I do look forward to a potential sequel.

Indiana Jones 5-22-09:

Okay, I’m sure I would catch a little flak mentioning the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones trilogy, but this is my list of stuff I liked, not necessarily “good” movies.  Yes, I will admit, this was not a very good movie by most standards, but from when I first heard it’s announcement, I was excited.  I had done the math in my head from the third to now fourth and had called the Soviets long before it was officially announced, and that only added fuel to the excitement.  After it was released, people saw it and said it wasn’t that great.  This made me enjoy the movie.  Going into it and expecting it to be a little very ridiculous allowed me to appreciate that it was just that kind of movie.  So yes, I liked the aliens, flying refrigerators, ants, and whatever other absurdity you can mention.

Wall-E 6-27-09:

A really great gem of Pixar’s.  I was very impressed when I saw it and really liked most things about it.  While I felt the anti-consumerism message was pushed a bit too far and a bit hypocritical from Disney, the animation and music were spot on.  I meant to watch it again, but haven’t had the opportunity yet, and I am quite disappointed because of that.

Dark Knight 7-18-09:

It pretty much goes without saying that this was probably the best movie of the summer.  It was truly worth the cost of admission, and is one of the few movies I have watched multiple times, and the only movie I have seen in the theater twice (granted it was with a gift certificate for one and $5 for the other).  I felt that all of the actors did exceptionally and especially liked the work done on Harvey Dent (it was a bit unfortunate he was so overshadowed by Ledger’s Joker).  While I hope to eventually own all of the movies I’ve listed on DVD, I am looking forward to this one especially.

Oh, and if you’re interested, check back soon as I will continue reviewing “Stuff I Liked in 2008″…

CRACK

CRACK

CRACK

The shots rang out as the early morning drizzle wet the firing range.  Moments later the target, a 1,000 yards away, was pierced three times, right in the center, perfect bulls-eye, as always.  The sniper didn’t bother to head down range or even bother to look through his binoculars.  He could have looked through his scope, if he used one.  He hadn’t used a scope in the last five years, he felt that it wasn’t challenging enough.  He didn’t need to check because he knew the results, perfect.  He hadn’t ever missed his target.  Ever.  He had long since given up on wondering if he even could miss.

The government had been after him for a while after discovering his skill.  Since a young age he had a rifle in his hand and would shoot at targets.  There was something cathartic about shooting, and hitting.  It was stress relieving.  Some people exercise, some people read, some people write, some people kill.  He shot.  And never missed.  He began using this to his advantage and would emerge victorious from competition after competition.  He was accused of cheating time after time, but because it was just natural skill no accusations could stick.  Eventually it became clear that he was not very welcome at competitions so he pulled a Robin Hood a few times and disguised himself, complete with fake IDs and registration for the competitions.  Afterwords people were still upset with him and suspicious, but wouldn’t question him, his “gift” usually frightened people.  After his last competition (and this probably contributed partly to his quitting), a couple of smartly dressed men approached him.  The claimed to be from the government and told him that he needed to go with them.  He figured his time was up, he had been caught, he would be busted, and that would be that.  Maybe in prison, he thought, he could find something else to do.  He complied and even allowed them to take his rifle, unlike other sharpshooters, he didn’t feel any special attachment to a particular gun or another, they were all the same to him, tools of recreation.

After a long and quiet, very quiet, ride in the black of a imposing black SUV, he was taken into a conference room.  He was rather surprised that he was being taken there as opposed to an interrogation room.  At the head of the conference table a large, well dressed man with a large mustache addressed him very formally.  The sniper was told there was a proposition for him.  What would he say to a secretive and yet profitable lifestyle?  After all, he didn’t have any immediate familial connections that he would have to keep secrets from.  All he had to do was follow orders.  He said he would consider it.  The man said very well and said he would be contacting him.  The sniper left and figured he had gotten off pretty lucky and reexamined his life.  He had saved up enough of his winnings to live his simple lifestyle for a long time.  He had never considered actually working before.  He had been provided for until he began winning competitions and earned his way through those means.

Well, it didn’t really matter now.  He didn’t take the job and he continued to slowly eat through his rather large savings day by day.  His costs weren’t high and he had established a pretty strong connection with the owner of the range.  Because of this, his costs were further reduced.  While he felt compelled to shoot and that would seem to drive costs up, the owner amazed by his ability and any tips he could grant, gladly supplied a rifle for the sniper’s daily usage.  He also gave him a daily “allowance” of ammunition to use.  The owner didn’t mind because he could capitalize on the fact that the sniper used his range and more than made up for the small loses in additional revenue.  The sniper didn’t care that the owner was “using” him.  He got what he wanted and no one messed with him.  He even considered it possible that he may be friends with the owner.

His largest cost of living being covered by the range owner, the sniper found he would be able to live even longer off of his savings.  After all, he didn’t think he could live more simply than he already did, and it wasn’t like he living “nicer” would make him feel better, he was content and almost happy with how his life was as it was.  Every morning he would wake with the sun streaming through the thin fabric walls of his three man tent (that was one luxury he had afforded himself, he could live out of a two man tent, but three man, it was just so much more spacious).  He would then rise and don his usual outfit of wool socks, steel toed boots, cargo pants, long sleeve shirt, utility vest, and beanie.  After stepping outside and stretching, he would begin the foggy mile and a half walk to the firing range in the brisk morning air.  After his morning activities he would return to the campground he lived out of (here too he had made connections with the owner and negotiated a great deal on a small clearing in the trees that was not necessarily owned by the campground; perhaps that’s why he got such a great deal), fill his canteen with the second of the ten liters of water he would drink that day, the first of which was drank at the firing range, relieve himself in the terribly vandalized public restrooms, and return to his clearing.  Once there he would sit on the log which he had fashioned into a multi-use piece of furniture, table, chair, couch, ottoman, and cutting board, and attempt to stir the ashes from the fire, which had died over night, into an early morning flame.  He had calculated that he was successful 81.66% of the time in reviving the fire like a phoenix from the ashes.  The other 18.34% of the time he would retrieve his fire starting equipment, a piece of flint and his large bowie knife and create a new flame.  When the fire had been revived or created, he would then unlatch the large steel box sitting next to his tent and retrieve his breakfast.  He removed the packaging that kept them fresh, skewered them on a telescoping fire prong and cooked them over the fire.  When they were sufficiently cooked to a crispy golden brown, he would remove them from the skewer, and promptly eat the first of the two corn dogs that made up his breakfast.  The first corn dog would be washed down with one third of a liter of water.  This would be followed by the second corn dog and the remaining two thirds of a liter.  He had initially wondered why the second corn dog made him thirstier than the first, but like the question of missing his target, he had long since given up wondering about it.

Following breakfast the sniper would retrieve his third liter of water for the day.  The morning was always spent retrieving the perfect amount and type of firewood that would be used to cook his lunch and dinner that day as well as his breakfast the next morning.  Systematically throughout this period of gathering, he would also consume his third and fourth liter of water.  When the sun reached its highest point he was always returning from the decrepit public restrooms to sit down on his single piece of furniture and prepare his lunch.  As with breakfast, he would reach into the large metal container and retrieve two battered hot dogs, cook them to the perfect doneness and eat them, drinking the first third of his fifth liter after the first corn dog, and the second and third third following the second corn dog.  Following lunch he headed back to the firing range, filling his canteen on the way.  After completing his afternoon shooting, he would return to his clearing, filling his canteen with his seventh liter and stopping again at the usually abandoned restrooms.  Upon reaching camp, if it was the day of the week to go shopping, he would retrieve a bag from his tent and head to the store where he would withdraw money to buy his groceries from the bank, purchase his groceries, and return to the bank to deposit his change.  Initially he had received very dirty looks from the teller for depositing the 36 cents that was left from the sum he had withdrawn earlier, but eventually even she had become used to the routine and if she was especially bored that day, would occasionally fill out the paperwork for him ahead of time.  All the while he would methodically drink out of his canteen.  He would reach camp just as it was time to prepare dinner, filling his canteen with the eighth liter of the day on his way to the clearing.  On non shopping days, he simply slept until dinner time, drinking after waking up.

For dinner the fire was stoked and the sniper would reach into metal chest and retrieve his dinner.  The cooking process would be identical to the two previous meals as the meals themselves were identical.  After eating the two corn dogs and drinking a liter of water (in the same fashion as breakfast and lunch), he would head back to the spigot and retrieve the second to last liter for the day.  He would return to his clearing and prepare his special treat for the day, desert.  As he cooked it he couldn’t help but wonder every single time how it could taste so good night after night.  He consistently felt the same satisfaction as he bit into his desert.  Following desert he would drink the entire liter of water he had gotten earlier.  He assumed there was some linear progression associated between eating corn dogs and drinking water, because after all, that was his desert, a perfectly cooked corn dog.  Following his meal, with a contented feeling in his stomach, he would retrieve the final liter of water for the day and would recline on his “couch.”  He would then stare into the sky while finishing the last liter for the day.  When the canteen was empty and the moon reached the middle of the sky, both of which always occurred at the same time, he would relieve himself, head into his tent, undress, and go to sleep, preparing to repeat the cycle the following day.

The first game comes from a series that I recently have become a fan of, Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia.  I have really enjoyed all of the Castlevania games I have played (the three DS games, Dawn of Sorrow, and Harmony of Dissonance), and the first thing I appreciated was the return to the more traditional art style from the “anime” of the last two in the series.  While I was a bit turned off by the initial game play, the changes quickly grew on me, and I found it was an enjoyable difference to the other sidescrollers in the series.  After growing accustomed to the relatively linear nature of most of the levels, I found it enjoyable to begin focusing more on combat and switching glyphs.  I also appreciated the increased difficulty of the bosses, and the fact that I had to take several attempts at most of them.  Finally, I was glad to see that there was still some of the traditional element of exploration to be found in Dracula’s castle.  As far as things I didn’t like, some of the quests were very much the same with the ultimate goal being to continually kill the same creature over and over again to get an item.  All in all though, this was a great game and being only $30 when I purchased it, as opposed to some of the other DS games at $35 or eve $40 (I’m looking at you Square Enix), it was a great price for the game.

The next title, also on DS, is actually the port of a port, Disgaea DS.  I bought this game after hearing about people having played the original Disgaea on Playstation 2.  Although I am nowhere near even coming close to having fully explored the game, I know that I will enjoy leveling up at least one of my characters to level 9,999.  The absurdities of the game make it that much more fun, watching the trailer and anticipating doing hundreds of thousands or even millions of damage, I’ll admit, was what got me to buy the game.  What has kept me playing was the truly funny dialogue and fun gameplay.  There is something about this game that is different from Final Fantasy Tactics A2, which I also purchased that makes it not feel like the grind-fest that A2 became to me.  I think it is the full customization of your characters and vast possibilities that I wish to explore.  As far as downers on this one, I haven’t really enjoyed the Item World so far, but I’m still pretty early in the game, so it takes a while to get through.  Hopefully (and I anticipate) when I get better and my characters stronger, I will be able to get more enjoyment out of it.

Next comes what may just be my Wii game of the year and quite possibly of all the games so far, the incredibly colorful, de Blob.  I try to avoid telling people that they have to buy games because I myself find that annoying at times, but I can’t really help but tell people, “If you like platformers and toon-ish graphics, as well as funk/jazz music, you have to get this game.”  The game is truly neat and I am glad to see that it came from a third party (although it means I don’t get any coins for Club Nintendo from it), as it shows that other developers are doing good things with the Wii, not just the 50th installment of “Here’s a Bunch of Minigames that Any Videogame Player, or Anyone Who Has Even Played a Game Before, Would Cringe At.”  So on that note, everyone should buy this so developers will make more games like it.  Well I’ll also admit that one of the main reasons I wanted to get this game was it reminded me of one of my favorite Zelda games, Windwaker.  The graphics (to me at least) while distinctly different, give the same cartoon vibe that is very colorful and fun to play.  The coolest part about the game to me, is definitely the graphics and music, and as one who would like to see videogames become more of an art, much like some movies, this is one such game.  The slow transition from completely silent, grayscale, and lacking texture, to vibrant, colorful, stylized, landscapes, with little people running around and jumping and funky jazz tunes blasting, is incredibly awesome.  Finally, I was glad to see that the game is, in fact, a game.  I have played plenty of games where the concept is really awesome and well done, but it is short and lacking a sort of really playable nature.  While only having 10 levels, de Blob has 2 bonus missions for each level, as well as difficult to earn rewards for each level (10 of those gotten from freeing people, painting billboards, trees, blimps, etc.), and a lot of unlockable content.  The unlockable content is worth a mention as most of it is concept art and videos, just the kind of thing I find really cool.

Another third party title, this time for DS, that was a bit overlooked, but still awesome, is the next game I liked from 2008, Lock’s Quest.  This cross between tower defense and top down adventure was a really neat game.  Like de Blob, it earned “Best of E3 2008″ from IGN, and I must at least concur on the level of originality.  The gameplay is truly fun, who can complain when you build turrets to destroy machines that are slowly marching in to kill you?  I feel that they did an amazing job on balancing the building and fighting, especially in how health and dying worked.  Your life meter would slowly replenish when you weren’t actively fighting or being damaged, which really emphasized your role as to plan and place turrets effectively, then whittling down at enemies, and taking breaks to repair turrets and heal.  Those who played Drawn to Life will recognize the graphics immediately as very similar (after all they were both made by 5th Cell).  I am a bit of a sucker for cartoony graphics (Windwaker, de Blob, Yoshi’s Island, Team Fortress 2, Lock’s Quest, etc.), so I like this.  This game was also able to do what few games do, put in twists that work well, and in some cases, you can’t predict them.  The story was pretty good and definitely better than I expected.  However, I do have several complaints about the game, and most are because the game was so amazing, and just little screw ups were really visible.  The game felt pretty short with 100 days, or combination of building and fighting phases.  There was also an annoying minigame that has to be played several times to make it through some harder levels without pure luck.  The next two are things that I started to see and really enjoyed, but were quickly pulled.  There was one area where you actually got to go on the offensive and attack an opposing base, as opposed to defending yours.  While I don’t think all or even most of the levels should have been like this, I really wish they had done that at least two or three more times, as it was a really nice change to the normal gameplay.  Finally, my biggest complaint, was a story branch that popped up that was quickly cut off.  The idea that came up was an incredibly interesting one that would have made a really interesting twist and been interesting to explore, what follows are potentially spoilers, please consider yourself warned.  When Lock discovers that his grandfather is the villain, his grandfather asks Lock why he believes that the Source Wells belong to the Archineers.  Lock doesn’t know, and I expected this to be a part of the story for a little while, but it quickly goes away when the stereotypical, “I don’t know why, but I know what’s right and wrong,” popped up.  I really wish they had further explored the idea of who really had rights to the wells, and in the process, anything and everything.  All in all though, a great game and I would like to see, and probably enjoy a sequel.

Another port on my list, this time from the SNES, is the last of the SNES games I wanted ported so I would have another chance to play (the first two being The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and Yoshi’s Island), Kirby Superstar Ultra.  There isn’t a whole lot to say about this game other than it is fun to play.  So far as I can tell, the game has some of the most expansive powers of Kirby ever (this is including the fact that a single power has a large number of things that can be done, such as attacking, dashing and attacking, jumping and attacking, etc.).  I’m a little biased, because I played this game with my cousin a lot when I was younger, so it is one of the first games I ever played, earning it a special place from me.  Even still, the SNES version was very solid with the story modes each being significant, and the DS adds two solid modes on top.  While I wasn’t a huge fan of the remake of Spring Breeze, with changed graphics, I enjoyed Meta Knightmare Ultra.  All in all, I can’t really complain about anything as I knew what I was getting having played the original.

I also got a copy of one of the most anticipated computer games of the year, Spore.  Most people know about this and it seemed to really be a love/hate relationship with the game, myself being more on the side of love.  I don’t really need to get into the details of good and bad on this one, because most people have heard about the fact that it is short and it is really just a few not so great games shoved together.  But what I like (and some of this is due to the fact that my friends bought me the collector’s edition so I could watch the “Making of” DVD) was the art and incredible aspects of the game.  The art book included in the collector’s edition is very nice and really beautiful, showing the differences in the game from concept to final product.  I found myself just enjoying all of the images and graphics a lot of the time.  Plus, it was just incredible to me to see that almost everything in the game is generated then and there.  I found it really cool that I could make a creature, and make it completely different from the last one I made, and then because the game was programed well, it would pop into the game and look great and like it was meant to be there all along.  In the end though, I see a lot of validity in many complaints, and I look forward to seeing if these are remedied in future expansions.

Easily one of, if not the most anticipated Wii games of the year, and a very worthy sequel to its series comes next, Super Smash Bros. Brawl.  I have not played Brawl nearly as much as I played Melee, and it doesn’t look like I will end up spending as much time with it.  Unfortunately (for me) in the changes in the game, they crippled my favorite character, Marth, a bit.  Despite these things, however I really enjoyed the changes and new aspects of the game, especially the Subspace Emissary.  Being a fan of platformers and enjoying the platformer aspects of Adventure Mode in Melee, it was nice to see it’s return.  Especially entertaining were the cutscenes between levels.  Although the WiFi is decidedly broken and does not work, local multiplayer is still a blast and personally I enjoy the chaos and confusion generated by the appearance of the Smash Ball.

My final game of mention this year is The World Ends With You for the DS.  While the combat system was nothing spectacular, it was new and different, and worked very well once I got accustomed to it.  The pins were also fun and really worked in the battle system.  Where the game really shined for me was  the story.  The story was definitely one of the best I have experienced.  Not only was it incredibly well written, but it had unexpected twists that were not cheesy or cliched (at least not too cliched).  The level adjustment and difficulty levels were a nice touch.  Being able to adjust those in order to acquire rarer items was incredibly helpful in some of the levels.  The music and graphics were also nice and I have found myself coming back to play the game time after time.

Well, that’s all for now.  There are certainly some games I have missed that have been great this past year.  If you made it through my ramblings, I thank you.  If you actually enjoyed my ramblings, then feel free to check back later as I’ll hopefully be writing more…

First off of course, is Christmas.  I received a lot of neat things and I hope I gave a lot of neat things in the eyes of the recipients.  My siblings and I were given Guitar Hero: World Tour, which I have enjoyed playing greatly.  A few weird things on that game were the final song, equivalent to “Through the Fire and the Flames” on Guitar Hero III, is completely bizarre and I don’t care for it too much; as well as some interesting lyrics that involve “her stabbing herself in the neck,” or something along those lines.  Anyway, perhaps the funniest memory was playing the other night and watching Ozzy Osbourne sing “La Bamba,” something about it was just downright amusing.

I have also been enjoying the first season of Mission: Impossible, which, for those of you who have not seen it (and I know at least one spambot out there didn’t know such a show existed), it is an incredible show.  Basically the Impossible Missions Force has to thwart various exploits of incredibly evil organizations, such as corrupt governments of eastern European nations (keep in mind this was filmed and takes place during the Cold War) and later the “Syndicate,” a portrayal of all organized crime.  I received the whole first season for Christmas and it is interesting to watch because there was a lot more humor in the show toward the beginning of its run.  Such an example is during the pilot episode members of the IM Force are playing some form of five card poker, the winning hand is played, and the impersonation and prestidigitation expert, Rollin Hand, exasperatedly sighs, “Well that beats my five pair,” laying down all ten cards.  I’m certainly looking forward to the remainder of the series.

Finally we get to my great passions, video games, music, and video game music.  For Christmas I received some cool CDs, including, the Wall-E Soundtrack, the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Soundtrack, a James Bond compilation CD, and the last of the Orange County Supertones CDs I didn’t have.  So I have been enjoying those a lot.  I also recently acquired the music from Mystical Ninja: Starring Goemon (an amazing N64 game) and the soundtrack from de Blob.  This second game is incredible and a must have for myself.  The Wii game focuses around an incredibly colorful city that has since been leeched of its color by the evil INKT Corporation.  You are charged with returning color to the city by destroying paint bots, sucking up the paint, and rolling around the city, splashing paint on the buildings, citizens, and various other things.  The game is beautiful and looks amazing (and people say that the Wii can’t run as good looking games as the other systems).  But where it really shines in my opinion is the music.  The base for the soundtrack is a jazzy funk track that is really nice.  Then depending on your paint color, you layer various instrument licks on top of the base when you paint things.  A few I remember off hand are: red, saxophone; brown, DJ mixing; green or orange, tenor saxophone; blue or purple, keyboard.  The music was all performed by an actual 12 piece funk/jazz combo, so it is very enjoyable.

Well, that’s about it for now, enjoy your New Years…

We started at 15th level with myself as a cleric, and my two other friends as a warlock and wizard.  It was designed to be a zombie/undead apocalypse, thus my holy powers turned out to be well suited.  We ran through the first four or five encounters easily, beating the zombies and other undead creatures on initiative and the first or second turns, since they were only about fourth level encounters.

Eventually we grew tired and decided to skip straight to the end of the session as we were running low on time.  The last encounter was designed to be a total party kill as it was a 28th level elite brute.  On the first turn, he criticaled me twice and I was almost killed.  As it turned out, I had bought an Exodus Knife on a complete whim and was able to cut an extradimensional room which we all crowded into and hid in.  Each turn we would open the door, cast some spells and then close the door to hide.  Because of its magic, the half-finished evil god could not hurt us.  Unfortunately we ran out of time after we bloodied the beast, but it was going well to kill it.

Well, it was a lot of fun and pretty cool.  And only know do I realize how nerdy this post was…

When asked about a hot button political issue, I can think of one closer to my heart than any other.  It has been prevalent in our politics for almost 200 years and yet has not been given nearly the amount of focus it deserves.  The issue I am referring to is, of course, the color of the exterior paint on the White House.

In May of 2007, Uno, the “first beagle to win the Westminster Kennel Show,” was honored in the Rose Garden of the White House (“Beagle Proves to Be Dog Show’s Best Friend,” Sandomir, 26 November 2008).  With such distinguished guests as Uno, I find it abhorrent that one of the most important national symbols is painted in such a drab shade.  Not only is it host to such honored and prestigious personas as Uno, but it was ranked second in 2007 on the American Institute of Architects’ List of America’s Favorite Architecture.  I find it absolutely unacceptable that such an important and well known building is painted simply white.

Now many may try to mislead you from the truth by telling you that it is a symbol, and that painting it a different color would detract from its recognition and meaning.  This is simply and utterly false.  Although it has been painted white ever since its construction in 1798, this in no means should justify this tradition.  When Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character,” it was considered eloquent and morally correct.  Should the same standards not be applied to our buildings as our citizenry?  Another argument that could be made was that white is dignified and thus is fitting for such an important symbol.  This is completely irrelevant.  There is no such thing as dignity amongst colors.  That is just ridiculous.

I would never consider changing the color of the White House unless I had a viable alternative to the current scheme.  Thus I propose the following: the base paint color should be a neon orange, the trim for the doors and windows should be silver, and the moulding maroon.  This color scheme would not only liven 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, but also breath new life into an aging symbol.  The new color scheme would represent the changing and emerging American society.  The colors hold deep significance.  The orange not only shows our devotion to the constant work and striving to build a better country (due to its use in traffic cones and reflective jackets), but also our strength as it can remind our enemies of the powerful conflagration we can be with our military might.  The silver is reminiscent of Dorothy’s silver slippers in the novel The Wizard of Oz to remind us that “there is no place like home (America).”  Finally the maroon is meant to symbolize the forgotten of society and to remind people of their duty to those who are forgotten, as maroon is one of the “forgotten colors,” often overlooked to more flashy colors like red or purple.

It is clear that this issue can be ignored no longer.  It is critical and I was disappointed to find it was not mentioned once in any of the many debates.  Thus I find it my duty to bring it to the forefront of political debate.  I sincerely hope that you take concern and see the importance of changing the color of our White House.

Two serious issues that rear their ugly heads in politics, especially the politics of the United States of America, are voter apathy and voter ignorance.  These problems pose a serious threat to the future of the nation in which they dominate.  Thus, somewhat in the vein of Jonathan Swift, I present a somewhat Modest Proposal of my own to combat these terrible issues.

I suggest a process in which both voter apathy and voter ignorance are addressed in order to not only increase the quantity of votes but the quality of votes as well.  The first part is rather simple, the government should seize all funds being used for campaigning.  Since most of this money is funneled into attack advertisements and distributing heavily spun information anyway, the government could make much better use of it.  This money would then be used to hire small business hit men to threaten people into voting.  This coercion would not only improve voter turnout, but it would also help to revitalize the economy as it performs a Robin Hood action of taking money from the rich and gives it to the struggling “Joe Six-Gun.”  Of course this would only use a small fraction of the funds that were seized by the government.  In the last election, Barack Obama had “raised more than $600 million” by mid-October (“Obama Recasts the Fund-Raising Landscape,” Luo, 19 October 2008).  The remaining of the funds could be put to good use on the route to the ballot box.

Many voters simply do not believe that their vote is important or that it’s worth their time to cast their vote.  Obviously the threat of their livelihood will get them out to vote, however this does not guarantee that they will take the time to make an informed decision.  Thus the remaining campaign funds should be used to riddle the route to the polling place with hazards.  The specifics would be left up to the precinct as they would receive an allowance of funds and be inspected to be sure that their dangers are up to code.  Some acceptable examples would include but not be limited to: wild, ravenous animals, more gunmen, bear traps, other game traps, puzzles, mazes, Indiana Jones-esque boulder traps, and gladiatorial combat at the polling place.  It is clear that if a potential voter has to clear a series of trial to cast their vote, they are going to want to make sure their vote counts since it was so difficult.  And because of the threat to their lives if they don’t vote, they will be forced to risk their lives to vote and become informed.

While this is clearly not the only solution to combat voter apathy and ignorance, it is most definitely a viable one.

Before I go any further, I must credit my “teacher,” the Sci-Fi channel.  Not only does it offer up several movies each week, but interspersed in the commercial breaks it presents helpful tips appropriately dubbed, “Sci-Fi Saturday Survival Tips.”  Anyone who has seen or heard these tips will confirm their relevance and helpfulness.  They cover pretty much everything you need to know to survive.  A few of my favorite examples are: “Never sign a contract in blood… No matter how badass it feels,” “Kids love dinosaurs… Unfortunately, dinosaurs love kids too,” “In the event of nuclear winter… Don’t eat the snow,” and, “If a giant spider catches you, don’t panic… It won’t eat you for days.”  The list goes on and on covering all sorts of useful points for a current total of 57 tips.  If you can’t invest enough time into your survival to watch the movies, you can at least read the tips.  That said, I’ll cover my first area of knowledge, the location of the sci-fi/horror incident.

There are three distinct types of location and each holds a separate risk.  First, we have the rural setting.  This ranges from small towns in the middle of a forest to ghost towns.  Basically if you know everyone that lives around you and you do all your shopping at some type of general store, you fall into this category.  Simply put, this location is prime for problems.  More than likely your life will be ended by monster, plague, or some other painful horrific death.  The second category of location is the urban/city areas.  These have the second highest risk, however their risks tend to come in forms of larger disasters.  Examples of such include apocalyptic storms, terrible diseases, or (and I hope this isn’t copyrighted) Godzilla and pals.  Here you have a much higher chance of survival but should you die, don’t worry, it will likely be pretty quick and painless.  This is because the leading causes of death are being crushed by debris, crushed by monsters, or killed instantaneously in explosions.  Finally we come to the suburban setting.  Here your chances of incidents are slim to none.  The level of terror and/or press generated is simply too small to merit an incident.  There is one important exception to any given location’s risk.  If there are terrible urban legends, native American myths, religious prophecies, or other such things, you should definitely write down the details and keep them on you at all times, chances are you are going to have to deal with them at some point or another.

The second major topic is people.  I’ll put it bluntly to begin with.  In any given incident, only about 2-4 in 10 survive.  Luckily, however, people usually survive in pairs (male and female).  So think of the 10 people closest to you.  Now out of them think of the 2-4 people that are anywhere from about 18-30 years old and good looking.  Everyone else will die.  Now that you have a basic idea of the numbers, I will present several factors and how they affect survival rate.  In presenting these, I will be focused solely on what I will call “main characters,” those heavily involved with the incident.  First off, gender typically does not affect chances of survival other than the fact that it can sometimes influence other factors.  Second, is race and I’ll deal with this one simply and quickly.  Caucasians tend to survive more than any other race.  That is all.  Related to race is family history and past experience.  There is a certain justice in the sci-fi universe.  Those who have had a bad experience in the past are likely to see a repetition of that experience in a more extreme form, however they are more likely to survive it.  For example, if your father was killed by a snake, chances are when the giant snake invades your town, you will survive.  But, like with most guidelines there are exceptions; those who seek revenge for past injustices usually die.  Age is also an important factor leading to survival.  There are four major age groups which differ in survival chances.  Young children almost never die, unless they died before the incident occurred.  Teens usually have a better than average chance of survival, but if they get cocky, they are sure to die.  Young adults aged 20-25 see their chances of survival drop as this is the age when they tend to feel “invincible” and get reckless, more often than not leading to their demise.  Aside from children, adults aged from 25 up to middle age see the greatest survival rates.  This is mainly due to the fact that they still have their youthful health but they have had time to be disillusioned about themselves and gain wisdom.  The final category is middle aged to elderly.  I don’t distinguish between the two, because they typically die soon after they are introduced or right before the incident is resolved.  Another determinant of survival is attitude.  Everyone knows that skeptic and arrogant people die.  You may know that the monster doesn’t exist or you can kill it, but it doesn’t matter because the beast will kill you.  Next to die are usually the really smart people who analyze the problem or see it as “bizarrely beautiful.”  After the genius has been offed, the completely boring neutral people die.  They have to die at some point and it is just fitting that the middle of the road, average guy dies in the average, middle of the movie spot.  Next to go are the people who are scared out of their minds.  They need to stick around long enough to annoy everyone, but then they also have to get themselves killed to prove there is, in fact, something to be afraid of.  Finally, the people who end up surviving are a mix of all the previous stuff.  They are academic and studious but not brilliant.  They are confident in their abilities but realize their limitations.  They become afraid but pull themselves together and in the end are able to live a regular, average life.  The final characteristic that will determine your survival is one that not many people think about, character flaws.  There is a bell curve associated to flaws and survival rates.  Those with no character flaws are almost certain to die.  As the flaws worsen and we start to see habitual liars, unfaithful lovers, alcoholics, etc, the chances of survival increase correspondingly.  However after a certain point, the traits become too serious and the survival rate decreases.  This is more due to the fact that the worse the character flaw is, the more likely it is that the person becomes a corrupted villain, and we can’t have them surviving.  Throughout the course of the incident the character flaws of the survivors are usually resolved.  To summarize, I’ll present two people, one sure to die and one sure to live.  A narcissistic, middle aged, foreign army commander who is sent to deal with the incident and ends up seeking revenge because his wife died in a related way is doomed to die.  Conversely, a caucasian man who has struggled with caring for others because his parents died at a young age, who eventually comes to realize that he does need others, will survive.  In the end however, your chances are even at best.  People love a twist, so although you killed the monster, its brother may just be waiting for you when you go home.

The final bit of knowledge I want to pass on is how to resolve the incident.  Although the specifics may vary from case to case, it all boils down to two basic methods.  The first is an ancient relic and the second is explosions.  Big ones.  Ones that you could never naturally cause with the available supplies.  I’m talking obliterating a city block with a single stick of dynamite.  Anyway, the ancient relic can be anything, a dagger, sword, staff, book, rope, spear, tome, rod, bow, scroll, you get the picture.  While weapons tend to be cooler, it is just as likely that you will have to read a creature to death as stab it.  The problem with this method is these ancient relics are often lost/hidden, in the possession of a villain who won’t relinquish it, or heavily protected in museum.  If you have to acquire such a relic, pray that it is in a museum.  In that case, you just have to convince the love interest who works there to let you *ahem* borrow it.  If not, the second best option is it being in the possession of the villain.  This is because in their quest for power, money, or fame, they will likely try and control the incident.  In attempting to do so, they will finally get killed allowing you to heroically snag the relic and resolve the incident.  The worst case involves the relic being lost or hidden.  Believe me, it is a pain to sift through old records to find that one stupid detail that everyone who sifted through the records before you should have noticed but didn’t.  Really it just comes down to others being bad at their jobs and not locating it and placing it conveniently in a museum.   Once you do locate the relic you must slog through ancient booby traps and curses that can kill you regardless of whatever fancy equipment you take.  Even after you survive, half of your companions have been killed and  now you have to go get the other half killed in resolving the incident.  The other method of stopping the horror is one ridiculously massive explosion.  When using this method it is import to realize that normal laws of nature do not apply and you can do things that would otherwise not work.  You can ignite gasoline with a cigarette.  You can blow up dynamite and cars by shooting them with regular bullets.  You can cause obscene destruction with a few tanks of flammable liquid or a few explosives.  That realized it is just a matter of finding bait.  One thing to think about the person who is going to be the bait.  It doesn’t matter what they tell you, they usually intend die ending the incident and therefor won’t be out right behind you.  On the off-chance they don’t plan take the problem out with themselves, they still have only a small chance of survival.  To determine if they are going to live, determine if they would have a relationship with one of the other survivors.  If no, they won’t live.  Now that you know the two ways to resolve the incident, it is only a matter of determining which method you will use.  When the incident begins take a few minutes to look around.  Don’t worry, after the initial brutalities, there is a lull to allow the fear and realizations to sink in.  Use this time to your advantage as you observe your surroundings.  If you see a museum, library with ancient documents, or location of historical and/or religious interest, you are going to need to find a related ancient relic.  If however, you see a gas station, shed full of blasting supplies, or you have easy access to nuclear devices, an explosion is your answer.  If you cannot see the above or anything similar, think back to what you saw in the events leading to the incident as this often proves to be important foreshadowing.  If all else fails, wait around in the background.  If guns seem to help the problem, go with the explosion, its a lot easier to pull off.
So there you have it.  A summary of everything I’ve learned from sci-fi/horror movies.  I hope this comes in handy for someone, someday.  I’d like to say my knowledge will help me survive, but I’ve looked at myself and although I have a decent chance of survival, I think I’d view the incident too analytically and end up being killed after I discovered the solution.  Until then though, on Saturday nights, I’ll be preparing…